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This is a journey thru my crazy twisted mind. Things get emotional and outta control. I can’t even comprehend a lot of my thoughts at times and keeping them all bottled up drives me bonkers. I feel like I can’t contain them and function in society anymore. I plan on using this as my outlet to let lose and express myself in a way that I can’t do in reality as I fear what may come if I do. I need to grasp things and quickly before I completely lose all control. I am hurting internally deep in my soul and I feel as if I’m lost with no hope of finding what I need. Once more I don’t comprehend all of my life’s reality. I don’t know where else to turn anymore, I’m all alone with darkness surrounding me. Finding the light amongst the darkest seems hopeless. I feel hopeless. 

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Chaos

So many thoughts plague my brain and it’s hard to comprehend them all. I don’t understand, nor am I even sure I want too at this stage. I’m so confused and hurt mentally, lost for eternity is how I feel. My life seems to be spiraling out of control slowly and surely like a hurricane lost at sea. I try so hard yet I can’t find the ground beneath me to stand. Running out of options isn’t an option yet it’s the only thing that appears to be happening. Where do I go, where do I turn, is there an end to all this misery and pain near. I’ve cried til I have no tears left. My head is pounding and no amount of medication helps. I’m lost and there’s help coming for me. I’m all alone in a big old universe, just a speck of dust on the wall. I’m overlooked and abandoned, left to fend for myself. But I can’t fend, I have no strength to keep going. No one hears my cries for a life jacket to save me.

Dead beat parents

I could probably write a novel on this topic although I won’t atleast not tonight anyways. I just don’t see how a parent could not step up and be the parent they need to be. Hell no child asks to be here and no child asks for their mom or dad to repeatedly hurt them over and over again. Even at the age of 30 it hurts that I have a deadbeat sperm donor that I call dad. Even though he repeatedly chooses everything and everyone over me it still hurts so badly and I continue to try. No matter how many times I tell myself this is the last time I will let him hurt me I fail to stop the mental abuse he puts me thru. Now it isn’t like he was ever truly there for me because he wasn’t. He has been a revolving door that has constantly in and out of my life more times than I could even begin to count. My mom and stepdad always encouraged me to try and have an relationship with my actual dad and maybe that’s why I have always tried so hard. But it never fails for some reason I’m not important to him unless he wants something or needs me to do something for him. I’m just on his mind when it’s convenient for him. And like an idiot I usually go running to his rescue. Maybe subconsciously I’m hoping one day he will love me or maybe I’m just stupid for holding on to the hope that one day he will care. Hell maybe I’m just flipping retarded all together thinking he’ll ever change his ways and care, I don’t know. What I do know though is that I’ll never understand how someone could be so cold and callous toward their own flesh and blood. How someone could bring another life into this world yet not care and love them. No you may not be able to provide all their materialistic wants but love is free. Love goes so far and can make a person and there lack of can break an individual down cutting them so deep. I find myself questioning myself on why I’m not good enough or what I’ve done so badly that he hates me so deeply. It makes no sense to me and I don’t think I’ll ever truly understand. I have two kids of my own and I make it my mission to hug them and tell em that I love them everyday. Regardless of what I know that my kids know that they are loved without a shadow of a doubt. Because no child should feel the shame and hurt of not being loved. And unfortunately that is how I feel from my dad or sperm donor or whatever the hell you may refer to him as. It sucks but it’s my life. I wonder if I would have had a dad that was there physically and emotionally would I be so fucked up mentally today. That’s the big WHAT IF?????

Death

I feel very fortunate not to have had to deal with death much as a child or teenager. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I truly experienced death and all that comes. And when it hit I was ambushed by a snowfall that kept coming for a good while.

It all started July 2013 when my uncle passed away suddenly. I wasn’t extremely close to him but the pain wasn’t easy by any means. I watched my cousins hurt so deeply and I hurt for them. I remember seeing the pain in my papaws eyes and it was bad, like really bad. It was like I watched him lose a piece of himself which in essence he did. I regretted not spending more time with my uncle and letting nonsense arguments cause strains in our family. It’s regret I live with daily.

Then followed by my grandfather who died on my birthday in August. He was on hospice dying with leukemia and I had moved in with my dad to help care for him. I remember the day so clearly, I was asleep that morning. My husband had gotten up and got our son to school and my dad was gonna tend to my grandfather that morning as well since it was my birthday. I remember my husband laying back down after my son had gotten on the school bus. I feel weird but went on to sleep thinking i was being paranoid. But little did I know my grandfather was taking his last breaths. Not long after my dad found him and came and woke me up, telling me he was gone. I was in disbelief, hurt and confused. I wasn’t even sure if it was real. Once again I was extremely close to my grandfather as he was in prison the majority of my life and had just gotten out a year prior. But it was like bam bam two are gone. I was scared and worried I was slowly losing everyone.

Then the following year in April, tragedy truly hit when I lost my papaw who was my life and world. I had been isolated from him for about six months prior by his wife all because she didn’t like me nor my mom. I remember that night, me and my oldest brother were at my moms house just hanging out. She got a phone call and the caller id said my papaw name so she answered. Although it wasn’t him, as his wife had took his phone long before. See my papaw had Alzheimer’s and Dementia, and it was really bad. He didn’t even know who he or anyone else for that matter was anymore. Remember before I said said when my uncle died it took so much him mentally. But anyways the phone call was his wife and all she said to my mom was ‘your dad died and he’s at the hospital if you want to see him.’ I heard her scream NOOOO so loud and she hit her knees crying and sobbing uncontrollably. My brother and I went running not knowing what was wrong yet and found her in her room on her knees where she had fell just crying and screaming why and no. I myself couldn’t make out what she said but my brother told me. It hit me like a sack of bricks in the face and at that moment my life came crashing down. Papaw was my anchor in the storm, I didn’t have a real dad growing up and I was Papaw’s babygirl. The weeks following are a blur. I do remember one part of his funeral where I went to say my goodbyes at the casket and nearly passed out, my husband caught me. I spent the rest of that year in and out of mental wards and hospitals cause I was so depressed and suicidal. I didn’t think life would ever get better or that I had a reason to life. It was so painful and I just wanted the pain gone. Thankfully my mom was there to get me the help I needed and keep me alive for my two precious babies.

Things didn’t stay positive once the new year came though. At the end of June I lost the only remaining parental anchor I had, my heart and soul, my mom. I remember it so clearly. She had went with her brother to the doctor that morning and spent the morning with him and my baby cousins. She had a really good morning came home ate her a sandwich and drank her Pepsi. She said she didn’t feel so good and her arm was going numb and that her chest hurt. I had told her she needed to go to the hospital that something wasn’t right. She informed me that she wasn’t going to the hospital that it would pass. Actually she cursed me and told me to leave her alone about the hospital cause she hated the hospital. I sat in her room with her as she sat in her recliner I could visually see the pain was easing up on her as she was able to drift into a sleep and started snoring. For some odd reason I laid across her bed while she slept then after about an hour my nightmare began. I heard her and it was like she was gurgling and I jumped up and tried so hard to wake her up with no luck. I grabbed her phone called 911 then my brother who lives next door. I started CPR while waiting for the ambulance which felt like it took hours to come. As I did compressions tears fell. I was crying so hard but never did I quit. I felt life leaving her body slowly and I prayed harder than I ever had before. Ambulance came and did CPR themselves then rushed her to the hospital where they continued CPR and life saving measures. My brother and I followed ambulance to the hospital and were placed in a little room. The room that they place family of critical patients in and slowly family filled this tiny room. After a while in came a doctor followed by two nurses. The only thing I really remember them saying was that they did everything they could but she was gone I’m sorry. I remember standing up and then looking up to an empty room. Apparently I blacked out and when I came too the only person there was my husband. Later I found out that I had punched him several times when he tried hugging me to condole me. The next week is so much of a blur. I remember trying to commit suicide that first night but by husband busted into the room right as I was about to put the pills into my mouth. After that I wasn’t left alone for months. I remember not being able to sleep for days and just crying nonstop. I just wanted to die. I questioned God and I questioned everyone. I hated myself and everyone around me who still had their mom. I was a mess and lost. I didn’t know how to live without my mom the one person I leaned on for everything. I have slowly learnt how to deal with every day life but it’s still hard. But I have 2 kids that deserve to grow up with their mom so I fight this battle to be positive for them. I’m not gonna lie it’s hard as hell and there is so many times that I just wanna give up.

Unappreciated

When someone feels like they are unappreciated or unwanted, it can be the worst feeling in the world. This is me and this is how i feel roughly 90% of the time. What makes it so horrible for myself is that it’s not complete strangers or distant family members that make me feel this way, it’s my husband and sometimes even my kids.

I live to take care of my family and it seems to me no matter how much I do or how hard I try nothing is ever good enough. I clean the house daily and no one notices. I’m cleaning, sweeping and mopping floors, that I physically shouldn’t be doing like I do because of my health. (I have back pain and fibromyalgia, which is a topic for another day) I also wash, fold, and a lot of the time put away everyone’s laundry even though they are more than capable of doing it themselves. But no I take care of it. I also cook and run errands. Then there’s doctor appointments and activities such as football, cheer, baseball, and softball that I’m the taxi driver for. Also don’t forget school functions that I have to attend as well.

My husband works a lot of hours so I don’t mind doing it, all I want is some appreciation and acknowledgment. Although I get nothing about 95% of the time. It seems the kids are following straight behind him as well because there is no acknowledgement from them either.

Hell I don’t even get attention much at all from my husband. I’ve tried so many times begging him to just spend time with me but it’s like I’m talking to a brick wall. All I want is appreciation, love and attention some times. Like I said before I understand he works and that he is tired so I don’t even expect attention all the time. If he would just show he was trying I would be content.

And god forbid I mention the lack of attention or appreciation cause then I’m just bitching. I can’t even talk to him without him telling me I’m just bitching. It hurts so deeply, I don’t think he sees what he is doing to me. All I want is to be loved and wanted. Yet I feel neither most of the time. I honestly am lost about what to even do anymore.

I can’t see myself living life without him yet I can’t keep living life this way. It’s killing me slowly from within.

Holidays

So the time is near and Thanksgiving is knocking at the door. So many memories flood my thoughts. Memories are all they will be anymore because my mama isn’t here. I loved helping her in the kitchen prepare the food for Thanksgiving dinner. Although now I’m left to stand alone. I try to carry on, just smiling and moving forward as I know she would want me too. It’s so hard especially when your 7 year old daughter is watching and looking up asking all the questions that I once asked my Mama. Now I understand why tears would fall in the middle of a simple question such as where did you learn this Mama? To which I smile thru the tears and reply my mama sweetie and someday you’ll be saying the same thing to your little girl as well. I try to teach my daughter all the family recipes such as the holiday ham with cherries and pineapples just as I was once taught. See she doesn’t comprehend the pain behind my tears. When she asked me why am I upset I just swipe the tears and tell her I’m okay and nothing is wrong. But something is wrong and there’s nothing I can do to change it. The fact remains I’m alone in a sense because I don’t have my Mama here with me to celebrate Thanksgiving in a few days. There’s no way to turn back time and somehow save her from the inevitable because no one lives forever. I just never imagined having to actually live life without her. I suppose you can say I was in a fantasy world and thought she would forever and always be around. There’s things she told me that I wish I would have paid closer attention too and recipes that I wish I would have written down because now I can’t quite remember them all. And now this isn’t my first holiday season without her yet it isn’t any easier. It’s just as hard this year as the two years prior, and I don’t think it’ll ever be easy. Mama will always and forever be in my heart and on my mind regardless of how many years pass. I pray that I’m able to instill into my daughter and son the traditions that Mama taught me as her mother taught her. So this holiday season when you pass someone smiling or maybe they seem to be ungrateful or upset remember you don’t know the hurt that they may be trying to hide. Holidays can bring out the best and worst in people. There are some that aren’t as fortunate as others and don’t have family around at all. There are some struggling financially and unable to provide thanksgiving dinner for their family. You just never know. So do me a favor go out of your way to help someone this holiday season. Be an angel in disguise to someone that may be down and out. You just don’t know what difference you could make in someone’s life just by being that smiling person saying Happy Thanksgiving or maybe a hug or hand shake. It could make all the difference in their day.

Fears

Fear overcomes my body. The pain is beyond imaginable. I fear so much. Am I good enough, I don’t feel that deserve my kids or my husband. I wonder if they would be happier if they had someone other than me. I am depressed and there’s days I can’t manage to even drag out of the bed. They deserve so much more than I can give them and I not referring to materialistic thing either. My love is never ending yet I don’t feel that is enough. Damn I wish mentally I was stronger. My babies need me to mentally be better. What am I to do. Then there is my husband. He works so hard for our family and I am so thankful that he is here for me. He has yet to give up on me although I would understand if he did. He deserves more, more than I am capable of giving him. Hell I don’t see how I ended up with such amazing people yet I don’t deserve them. 

I fear what will happen when those close to me can’t handle it anymore. Are they gonna disappear and leave me all alone? Do I make them miserable to be near me? What the hell is wrong with me??  If I die tonight what’s gonna happen to my babies? Will they be relieved or drowned in grief? What the hell why am I even thinking like this???!!!!! I can’t control my thoughts tonight. I know I gotta stay strong somehow someway. I must pull the strength to move forward from somewhere. It’s times like this I need my mama but she’s gone and I’m all alone.

Depression is gonna be the death of me. That’s not even adding the anxiety that is hanging over with every decision I make. I am making the right choice or is this a mistake. My heart beating so fast, my stomach turning and nausea overcomes me. Here it is panic attack mode and what do I do? In my mind I freeze and question everything. How do I move forward. I’m mentally lost….